Monday, July 8, 2013

I Can Not Change

Things about my life I can not change.

I can not change the fact of my Sciatic nerve has left me with a life I didn't plan and one I lost. I can not change the fact it can worse anytime, doing anything and I lose all the work I've gained and face starting over.

I can not change the fact the only solution is to keep exercising as many days as I can and hope the nerve heals to get my life back, but until then I can't risk reinjuring it doing the things everyone else does and I used to do.

I can not change the fact my digestive system and body is hyper sensitive to food and prone to intestinal bleeding, and I live with a diet, while still healthy and tasteful, is limited and getting smaller than larger.

I can not change the fact that my annuity, although promised to increase with the cost of living, hasn't kept pace and I'm slowly losing and moving into the gray area between a sustainable life and poverty where you have to make financial decisions about the normal things of life.

I can not change the fact I also dug a financial hole trying to build a small personal business and am facing 3-5 years before I dig out of that hole and still keep the business.

I can not change the fact that health insurance and healthcare has been costly the last few years chasing a host of physical problems, and while I know where I am and what I live with physically, it's come at the cost of half my savings.

I can not change the fact, like many people and families, I'm one expensive problem away from financial disaster.

I can not change the fact I made decisions going back 25-30 years which has left me with stuff few people are interested in and fewer want to buy, so it's sits because its interest or usefulness is long behind me.

I can not change the fact my parents made decisions about me and I made some decision about them, both long dead, which we never resolved and caused them to be angry enough with me to cut me from their estate, albeit what it was.

I can not change the fact my Dysthymia isn't curable and treatment is chasing an imaginary solution which doesn't exist and it's a daily struggle to keep it in check, and some days I don't win the battle, and know it's a war I'll fight the rest of my life.

I can not change the fact that this year and the next few years will be about just existing and getting through a period that circusmstances, other factors and I created, and at 63, it's hard knowing better may only be when I'm in my late 60's.

I can not change the fact a personal goal and plan has been put on hold for 2-3 years because of the problems (above) I'm living with and the realities that my body reacts adversely and excerbates other existing problems to treatment for this change.

I can not change these facts and can only make decisions and do things which only slowly improve my life and hope the economy, life and other events don't damage, or worse destroy, everything I've gained by the things I can not change.

I can not change what has happened and can not change the vast number of events which effect my life. I can not change the body and mind I am left with now. I can only change what I am willing to do and strive for with the rest of my life.

That I can change and live with the rest as it happens, hoping I survive and maybe get better, knowing hope and maybe isn't a good plan, but knowing I still have goals.

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