One Thing

One thing I know. Either the rewards center in my brain doesn’t work, the neural network to it doesn’t work, or the chemicals aren’t produced to make it work. I know this because I rarely feel happy or excited. I’ve tried all the physical exercises to create dopamine, and nothing changes. I’ve tried all the activities for personal and professional happiness and nothing changes. I’ve even tried illegal drugs and they didn’t do what people said they would but were interesting experiences. 

The only thing I haven’t tried is prescription anti-depressants, which I won’t try because I’m more afraid of who’ll I’ll be on them than who I am without them. The one thing I know, and can rely on, is myself. On drugs I wouldn’t know if it’s me or the drugs, and that’s the one thing I won’t try, because I value my sanity.

Some of this can be explained by the diagnosis of having genetic, lifelong Dythymia 25 years ago. The psychiatrist then showed me how to recognize the signs when my Dysthymia worsens and I've learned over the years how to tread mental water, or as they say, practice sweeping the floor, during the worst periods.

And even with Dysthymia and a non-functioning rewards center, I would rather feel on the rare moments of feeling happy than the artificial feeling anti-depressants give people. I know the drugs help a lot of people, and they would help me, but it would also be, as the doctor said then, a lifelong need chasing the one that worked while living with the side effects, some of which would actually worsen my thinking.

So that's the one thing I know. Happiness will always be the illusive feeling I'll only rarely know. But I'd rather work for those moments knowing I know who I am, than the false sense of it on drugs. I can live with the reality, but not the wrong one.