I wrote about food and my body, and about the battle between my taste buds and my digestive system. It finally occurred to me that I have a fear of eating. Not the many definitions of fear of eating, but a simple fear of eating, despite that I really like to eat and really like food, because I don't know how my body, and more so my digestive system, will work and react.
I used to keep a list of foods I could eat without problems, foods I keep trying now and then to see, and hope, I can eat them more, foods I know I will have problems and foods I just can't eat. During the last nearly three years that list was always changing and it still continues to change. For brief periods during these years, I could throw the lists away and eat almost anything and the body was ok.
Since last fall, the list has changed weekly and sometimes in days, and for periods nothing was on the list. It's created a situation where I fear eating because I don't know what I can eat because the digestive system just won't work. Nothing changes it and nothing helps it. And as quickly as the system stopped working, it would work, I mean (hint) really work.
I don't have answers anymore. Not even the Gastroenterologist has answers beyond IBS, age and food sensitive, and of course the obvious advice you hear everywhere, eat right, watch your diet, exercise, get the proper amount of sleep, and so on down the litany of common sense. And you pay a specialist for it?
So, that's my life for now. Eat and hope it works today, tomorrow and a few days on, or not and be ready when it doesn't.